Linsey is lucky to have me. Now, before you "x" out of this page in disgust, hear me out. Linsey is blessed to be my bride, but NOT because I'm "ridiculously good-looking" or irresistible like the Old Spice and Just for Men commercials say I can be.
It's not because I'm particularly patient. I don't have a cool accent. Nor do I have a nickname with "Mc" in front of it. Also, I don't have ripped abs, or own a horse, and I'm not as mysterious as a vampire.
As a matter of fact, from a worldly perspective, I actually don't have much to offer. I don't make Wall Street wages, nor can I afford a nice car for her. I'm no longer good at sports, and I'm not an expert in anything. My hair is falling out of some places and growing in others. Oh, and I watch too much T.V. and let her get up with the kids as the sun is coming up. I'm annoying at times, bossy, irritable, and occasionally cantankerous.
And yet, Linsey is lucky to have me.
Why?! Because marriage is not what we think it is when we exchange the nuptials. That is, whether we know it or not, we marry for happiness. And yet, the pursuit of happiness for the sole sake of it is as allusive as trying to chase the sun. The reason for this is that we define happiness today as a feeling of pleasurable satisfaction. But Boston even knew that it's "more than a feeling."
I recently saw a documentary on PBS called, This Emotional Life. The particular episode focused on marriage and interviewed some of the world's most respected marital clinicians. According to one researcher, the longer a couple is married, the less 'happy' they report being. Pretty depressing. But, my question is, "How is happiness defined?"
The classic definition of happiness meant 'to flourish'—defined as one's character growing in wisdom and virtue. "Virtue" essentially means strength. Like a muscle, these strengths were attained through training, dedication and perseverance. That is, in sight of the long-term goal, suffering is considered a natural aspect of character growth. Jesus and his followers later added the missing elements: humility, faith, hope and love.
Why does this matter?
Anyone who has been married more than six months knows that there are times when you are NOT happy (per the cultural definition). However, there is NEVER a time when my character is not given an opportunity for growth. Another way to put it is this: marriage is a primary context for personal and spiritual formation. It's a crucible.
Of course, my perception of marriage will determine the trajectory of it. If I'm in it for a feeling of happiness then my marriage will be short-lived. And, as you can see from my list of attributes above, Linsey would have left me a long time ago if that was her goal.
Instead, Linsey is more formed and complete then when she first met me. She is more patient after being tested by my pestilence. She is more faithful after practicing perseverance. She is more humble from honoring me in spite of my hubris.
And, Linsey is not alone. I'm lucky to have her too. Marriage has exposed my "selfish gene". But unlike Richard Dawkin's determinism theories, I'm changing against my nature. Linsey's faithfulness to me has taught me grace and what it means to be loved without condition or expectation of performance. It fuels my fortitude to 'press on'.As Jack Nicolson once said, "[She] makes me want to be a better man."
Linsey and me—we're lucky to have each other.
What about you? What version of happiness is guiding your marriage? How has God formed you through the "better or worse" times of your continual 'wed-ding'?
