In most of my adult life, I've treated the symptoms of porn, and not the cause. It's what Dallas Willard calls, "Sin Management". Basically, we treat our sin like the Three Shell Game—you know the one, where the ball gets placed under a cup, shuffled around, a viola! Where's the ball (i.e., sin)? So, we think if we have the right accountability, internet boundaries, and enough will power, we don't have a problem. It's not that these things are bad, I've actually found them absolutely necessary. However, they don't treat the root, which is intimacy.
You remember the SATs—Porn is to intimacy like Kryptonite is to Superman—incapacitating!
Let's face it, "Porn" is a four-letter word, and it should be. However, it should no longer be stigmatized. We must talk about it, because if we don't, one of the biggest pitfalls of our generation will only continue to expand, inhibiting us from true and full life. As Hebrews 12:2 says, "Let's throw off the sin that so easily entangles (ensnares, traps, trips up, etc.)."
The other danger of Porn being the word that shall not be named is that it has slowly become accepted as commonplace, normal, and even expected. That is to say, since SO many men (and women) view pornography, it is simply assumed to be a part of the necessary fabric of our existence. To this, John says, "But if we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin" (1 John 1:7).
And that's what's at stake: relationships. Because we've accepted an empty philosophy that says porn is normal because we are really just higher animals (it's cruel to keep us from our nature), we've also invited its consequence, which is a lack of deep and fulfilling connection with real people. In fact, I remember reading an article in one of the major magazines about how men are beginning to prefer their Female Fantasies over and above the real women in their lives. Chilling.
In his book, Wired for Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain, William Struthers talks about the irony that what we choose to meet our innate desire for intimacy, actually becomes the very thing that keeps us from it (Click here to read the article):
As men fall deeper into the mental habit of fixating on these images, the exposure to them creates neural pathways. Like a path is created in the woods with each successive hiker, so do the neural paths set the course for the next time an erotic image is viewed. In time, these neural paths become wider as they repeatedly are traveled with each exposure to pornography. They become the automatic pathway through which interactions with women are routed. All women become potential porn stars in the minds of these men. They unknowingly have created a neurological circuit that imprisons their ability to see women rightly -- as created in God's image.
What's more alarming is that to the brain, pornography can quickly become a pathological relationship with a mood-altering experience. The biochemical rush from porn is compatible to that from amphetamine use. In fact, "Fantasy behaviors can trigger neurotransmitters such as dopamine, norepinephrine, or serotonin—chemicals similar to LSD" (M. Douglas Reed, "The Role of Pornography in Compulsive or Addictive Sexual Behaviors"). Moreover, our brain's pleasure center can be so dependent on porn, that the normal joys of life become just mundane. It's why depression is usually associated with frequent pornography usage.
In the Bible, pornography is described as much more than just simulated pixels. The apostle Paul uses the word porneia, which translates as ‘sexual immorality’ and ‘fornication’, to describe any sexual encounter outside the marriage bed. Keep in mind that the Greco-Roman culture of his day was even more liberal with even less sexual taboos than our culture today. One ancient Greek axiom describes this era well: "Wives for children; Mistress for pleasure; Prostitutes for everyday needs." It's not surprising however, since Plato's dualism was a dominant philosophy of the time (and still is today). The physical body was viewed as completely separate from our spiritual selves (the rest of us: emotions, will, personality, etc.). Some schools thought it bad, and others irrelevant.
Today, we are heavily influenced by this fallacy. We view sex as separate from our sexuality. But sex is much more than a physical act, and end in itself. Sexual intimacy is a sacred act that involves the entirely of our personhood. That is, sex cannot be divorced from sexuality, which involves our gender, personality, intelligence, emotions, conscience, and will (David Smith, Theodyssey: Sexuality).
One of the phrases in the Old Testament for sexual intimacy is "to know" (Hebrew is yada). It means that sexual intimacy is the sacred act of self-revelation and self-giving. It is a means to an end, not an end in itself. That means that any sexual expression that simply sets to meat its own desire is just lust. True sexual intimacy is mutual self-giving—a reflection of the very image of God. God exists in perfect communion, perfect intimacy, perfect love (Father, Son, Spirit). And in the beginning, God said, "Let us make people in our image…so male and female He created them…this explains why…the two are united into one" (Genesis 1:27, 2:24). Uh hum, "united into one" means sexual intimacy. And, so does Genesis 4:1, where it says, "Adam knew Eve his wife…"
Wow, have you ever equated God with sex? Maybe that's the problem…
Sex is so binding, so bonding, so transcendent, so sacred, that it represents the outward expression of the internal commitment of marital union. It's functionally equivalent to a wedding ring! That is to say, sexual intimacy outside of a public, accountable, life-long, exclusive, devoted covenantal union is simply a farce.
And so is fake sex on the internet. And the worse thing about it is not the shame and guilt one feels, but that it leaves us completely alone—the very opposite of what we were created for. By exposing ourselves to porn, we actually train ourselves to be autonomous. The Bible calls this Hell.
So, what's keeping you from having the conversation?
Whatever it is, the affects of not having it are far worse. Why?
- Because it will never be easier than this moment
- Your neurological pathways can become even more entranced than they are now
- You have an opportunity to express honest need—a great builder of intimacy
- You have a window to start your marriage off on a foundation of trust
- Having this conversation later will only erode trust
- God accepts you and loves you just as you are
- This gives your S.O. an opportunity and an invitation to love you as God does
- The only thing that can transform is experiencing this unconditional love
My wife is an amazing woman. The more I began to trust her, the more I've been able to share my story—that patterns of pornography were established when I was a prepubescent ten year old. Though this temptation has intermittently been a part of my life since then, I've only found true and real freedom within the Gospel—that I can't save/heal myself. Only God's transforming, boundless, empowering love can. The more I've trusted Linsey, the more love I've received, and the closer our marital intimacy has become. And I'm far less compelled to lustful temptation. That is, my pursuit of intimacy has inverted since my youth. It's a full reversal of affections. I've found my relationship with God has paralleled this transformation. As the apostle Paul prays:
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen (Eph. 3:16-21).
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free (Eph. 5:1).
If you are stuck, don't stick to the status quo...We are here to help!
Scott
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RESOURCES
For Men Only:
If you are dealing with sexual sins and are stuck in a pattern of shame and guilt, then this safe small group, led by a trained facilitator, is a great start! Contact: Purity@DIVEintoFLOOD.com
Sexual Healing Core Groups for Women:
http://www.diveintoflood.com/coregroups/#coregroupswomen
Counseling:
- Reinicke Counesling Associates: http://www.rcacounseling.com/sexualhealthcenter.html
- Roy Rawers: roy@sandiegocounselingformen.com
- Mary Cipriani-Price: http://www.sdicouples.com/
Books:
- "Wired for Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain," by William Struthers
- "Every Mans Battle" and "Every Woman's Battle" series, by Stephen Arterburn et al.
Websites:
http://www.everymansbattle.com/
http://relit.org/porn_again_christian/
http://www.xxxchurch.com
http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com
http://www.internetsafety.com/
Articles:
http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2003/october/3.46.html
http://www.challies.com/christian-living/sexual-detox-the-e-book
http://www.youthworker.com/youth-ministry-resources-ideas/youth-ministry/11610664/
http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0000768.cfm
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/features/25085-what-porn-does-to-relationships-pt-3
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BARRIERS to HONESTY
- Fear of rejection
- Embarrassment
- It's not that big a deal
- It's private and won't hurt anyone
- Fear of the Truth
- Fatalism (I can't change anyways)
- I need it
- I deserve it
- It augments what my S.O. can give
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MYTHS
- Porn doesn't harm anyone
- It's just a man thing
- Sex is primarily for self-gratification
- Adults can view porn without any lasting effects
- Sexual freedom = happiness
- Love is all that's needed for Sexual intimacy
- There are no consequences to porneia
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STATS
- 77% of Americans look at pornography at least once a month (The Kinsey Institute)
- Over half of all spending on the Internet is estimated to be related to sex. (Kinsey)
- US porn revenues have been estimated to exceed the combined revenues of companies like ABC, CBS, and NBC (Kinsey)
- Pornographic business trade is approx. $57 billion worldwide (as much as GNP of: Russia, Australia)
- Porn is a $20 billion/year industry in the U.S. (more than: NFL, NBA, MLB combined)
- Numerically, there's a separate page of porn for every person living in the U.S.
- A majority of married people will have an extra marital affair
- 1 in 3 visitors to adult websites are women
- Women are more likely to act out their behaviors in real life
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