Emotional Spooning

Does sex lead to intimacy or does intimacy lead to sex? In many ways it depends on which gender you ask. But really, it's a trick question. Why? Because for the most part, men are like the proverbial microwave and women a crock pot. Women typically need an emotional connection as a precursor to intercourse, while men just need to be in the same room.

And while we men may think we know this, we still don't totally get it. It's like when we've had a great day with our wives and it's obvious that a great night is ahead [wink], we still have a tendency to fumble on the five yard line. "Honey, can you put the dishes in the dish washer while I get ready?" "Didn't I do it last night?" or, "Sure, right when the next commercial comes on." Classic idiocy. So, I offer this augment as an attempt to help us better understand our better halves. We understand physical connection, so maybe this prefix will help us see things from our wive's point-of-view. Below are five keys to Emotional Spooning:

1. Listen with your eyes

My wife loves this phrase, even though I swear of my multi-taking abilities. I think I ruined it for all of us when ONE time I asked her a question that she allegedly told me the answer to just minutes before. It didn't help that I was setting my fantasy basketball lineup at the time. Bottom line: "undivided attention" communicates undivided attention. I.e., if Linsey has to compete with fake sports (as awesome as they are) then she won't feel very valued.

2. Ask questions (beyond subjects of work, food and sex)

Don't get me wrong, these are all worthy subjects to talk about, but in terms of emotional connection, it's not the big game. It's not even the pre-grame warmup. It's more like driving to the stadium. Here are some questions and corresponding levels of play (caveat: full eye contact—see #1):

Beginner: What would you like to talk about?

Novice: Anything I can do for you?

Intermediate: What do you need from me now, emotionally?

Advanced: How's your soul?

Spoon Guru: How do you feel about us right now?

3. Respond to questions (with more than one sentence)

Give details, lots of details, and always include as many emotions as you can. It's O.K. if you are growing in this area. Most of us are. We suffer from "alexithymia", a condition of not being able to acknowledge and express emotion well. Just include an emotion that's not anger (tired and hungry are not necessarily emotions). Anger is usually a symptom, not the actual emotion. Feel free to use the emoticons poster if you need to. And no, the Chuck Norris one is not legit—real emotions have a range of expressions.

4. Housework is foreplay

Disclaimer: yard work and car maintenance usually are not included—sorry. Again, here is a level of play to gauge from:

Beginner: Laundry

Intermediate: Kitchen

Advanced: Bathroom

Spoon Guru: All of the above. Note: this can be over a weekend, you don't have to be a miracle worker. There was once a legend of a man doing the trifecta in one day, but it's most likely a myth to keep us honest and striving.

5. Don't try and fix it

Seriously. Even if you were to ask, "Do you want me to fix it?", and she says, "Yes," don't try and fix it. That would be a situation where yes means no. It's a test. Most of the time your wife will be gracious and say no, but the idea is that you would eventually learn not to even ask the question (it's a rookie move). In fact, let's get a temperature of where you're at with this. Pretend like your wife comes to you with a situation from work and asks you, "Do you think I should tell _________ about how that made me feel?" You say _________. Now, look at your answer. Ha! that's a trick. You don't give an answer. You ask another question: "What do you think you should do?" It's the classic Socratic method and does wonders for emotional spooning.

BONUS. Initiate all of the above

If your wife has to lead you into numbers 1-5, then you're not quite ready for spooning—more like holding hands, which is good, just not a utensil. And, we like utensils because it allows us to enjoy the main course.

Husbands: Rank your Emotional Spooning skill: Beginner, Novice, Intermediate, Advanced, Spooner

Wives: Rank your husbands on the same scale.

Now, talk about it. Husbands, practice 1-5 above as you talk.

Enjoy!